Tales of the Parodyverse

The co-authored Nats/Balefire collaboration continues toward its conclusion! New and improved with subject line!


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Balefire
Tue Jun 03, 2003 at 03:36:10 pm EST
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Phil, France, and the End of All Things! Part Three!




"Okay, that's good," Balefire said. "Wait...a little to the left...okay, up...more...perfect!"

Grrl and Quake, operating the tractor beam, set the large castle down right neatly on a French beach.

"But you still didn't explain why we're moving to France, boss." Turbo Treesloth reminded Balefire.

"It's really quite simple," the evil super-villain replied. "You see, Phil here," he continued, motioning to the bum in the dirty hooded sweatshirt that currently was his secret weapon, "has amazing retcon abilities. Right? Right. So..."

"So..." Birthday Bandit interrupted.

"But wait, you still didn't explain why you needed the condoms!" Turbo Treesloth further interrupted.

Balefire sighed. "I never needed any!"

"But surely," Jean-Pierre said, "There eez a lucky lady 'zat you would one day 'ope to, as you say, zcore 'vis?"

"I said condominiums, God damn it!"

"But if you have all those condominiums, why did we have to move the castle to France," Grrl asked.

"Because I didn't wish to see it destroyed," Balefire responded. "It is much too valuable for me, and filled with technology and other devices I may need for the future."

"Devices, like, say, the condoms?" the Florist ventured.

"No, blast you!"

"But who would destroy the castle?" Quake asked. "You killed off all the natives."

"Phil would and you would know that if you would just let me expl..."

"Does this plan involve Jerry Springer again? Because, really, I'd kinda like to not get involved with him again," Grrl told them.

The Birthday Bandit chimed in. "And are we gonna fight the Lair Legion again? I would rather wait until one of their birthdays..."
"We'd be getting this done a lot quicker so as to not involve those super-heroes if you would just be quiet for a few moments," Balefire snapped.

"Despite what most people believe, France isn't entirely useless." Balefire began his explanation.

"What eez z'is?" John-Pierre asked, his face brightening.

"That's your reflection," Balefire answered.

"Oh. I 'zought it was my long lost tween broz'air Pierre-Jean," Jean-Pierre noted.

"Anyway, France is vitally important to my plan, which is why we're here," Balefire continued.

"Between of its lack of worldly purpose, shortage of brilliant ideas, and excess of expense cafes, France has done virtually nothing in the past several hundred years," Balefire noted.

"Now how does this have any relevance to the world today you ask? Fortunately no. Because of this lack of action, France has built of no useful history and has become one of the few places in the universe unable to be retconed"

"Oh," Quake said. "I thought it was because the French people made a deal with the devil or something so that each time France gets destroyed, it returns the same way as it was before the destroying bit..."

"Oh. Well, that too," Balefire stated. "Either way, once I destroy the universe, only France will be left, and I will rule it!"

"But how are you going to destroy the universe?" the previously silent Phil asked.

Balefire looked surprised that Phil could speak. He recovered quickly. "Well, Phil, my plan is delightfully simple. And it revolves around you and your retconning abilities."

"What retconning abilities?" Phill asked.

"You know... the powers that you have that can make you... well change... stuff. Hey did you change your name? I thought it only had one L.”

"Oh, right," Phill said. "What do you mean, did I add another L? I always had two L's in Phill."

Balefire suddenly remembered that Phill always DID have two L's in his name.

"Oh, that's right. Must've slipped my mind. Anyway, you will use your retcon abilities to retcon the one thing that will cause the entire universe to be destroyed, except for France, of course."

"The universe?" Turbo Treesloth tried.

"All of existence except for France?" Grrl volunteered.

"Birthday Bandit?" Quake asked hopefully.

"Hey I'm offended by that!"

"No, no, that would be too obvious," Balefire continued. "You see..."

"I know!" Jack Knife shouted. "I bet he's gonna have Phil or Phill or whoever retcon the ability to retcon! Because if retcons are retconned then the retconning never would've happened, and the retcon loop would cause the universe to cave in and cease to exist! Except for France."

"Er....perhaps," Balefire noted.

Suddenly, however, he realized Jack Knife was never there. "Can't anyone guess my plan?" Balefire asked. "Fine then, I shall reveal it myself..."

"I shall have Phil or Phill or whoever retcon the ability to retcon! If retcons were to be retconned then the original retconning never would've occurred. This would create huge retcon loop which would cause the universe to cave in and cease to exist. Except for France that is."

"Hey wait I just said that!" Jack Knife complained.

"Oh, that's right," Balefire said. "Must've slipped my mind."

Quake looked around. "Wait, where's Jack Knife?"

"Wasn't he here earlier?" Grrl said.

"That's weird," Turbo Treesloth added. "But we really only have room for one short guy on this team, and that's me."

"Shoo, mime!" the Birthday Bandit said as he tried to shoo away a mime that approached him, doing his famous invisible box routine.

"Did any of what just happened make sense to anyone?" Grrl asked.

"Hey, I can't move! Guys, Guys!" Birthday Bandit began complaining.

"I can't say it did," Quake replied, oblivious it Birthday Bandit's plight.

"So, um, what happened to the Eiffel tower?" Florist asked.

"Well," Balefire told him, "I thought my castle would look better where the tower was, so I moved the tower."

"Vhere?" Jean-Pierre asked.

“Help!" the Birthday Bandit interjected.

"Wait, didn't me and Quake put the castle on the beach?" Grrl asked.

"Quake and I," corrected the Florist.

"No, I'm fairly sure you put it where the Eiffel Tower was," Balefire replied.
"So the Eiffel Tower was on the beach?" wondered Turbo Treesloth.

"Guys! I can't brea-,"

"Did Birthday Bandit just say breast?" asked Quake.

"Besides, why would be put it on the beach when those nice condominiums are there? Once we destroy the universe, they will rocket up in price, and the stock I owe on them will increase exponentially, making me the richest person in France."

Birthday Bandit started choking.

"Hey, what's with Birthday Bandit?" Turbo Treesloth asked.

"And is that mime wearing a gray cloak?" Quaked wondered idly.

"Did you always have a D in your name?" Grrl asked him.

"What are you talking about?" Quake replied.

"Wait...there's a lot of mimes here," the Florist observed. "Did anyone else notice they were circling around us?"

"I did," Phill told them.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Balefire spat.

"Because you didn't ask," stated Phill matter-of-factly.

"So what are we going to do about the mimes?" Turbo Treesloth asked.

"V'at mimes," Jean-Pierre asked walking back onto the scene.

"Where were you?" Quake asked.

"I v'as at zee convenience store. I figured, if I am working for ze richest man in France, zee ladies, well you know..."
"I'll handle this!" the Florist yelled taking an aerosol can from his jacket and spraying it at the mimes.
"What's he doing?" Grrl asked. "Has he completely lost it?"

"Mime repellant spray! They always used to go after my plants." Surely enough, wherever the Florist sprayed the mimes backed away.

Next, the Florist grabbed some seeds out of his pocket and threw them onto the ground. A few trees suddenly sprouted, blocking off the mimes.

"Wait!" the Birthday Bandit hollered. "What about me?"

"A worthy sacrifice," Balefire said. "Well, okay, not that worthy...but if the mimes were attacking, we'd best go along with our plan now. Phill...retcon the retcons!"

The gray-cloaked anti-mime now stuck behind the line of trees grimaced. "Call in the Lair Legion," he spoke into a communicator inside his hood."

"Certainly, Commander Winkleweald," an anti-mime voice on the other end relayed back.

Phil closed his eyes and began concentrating. Reality began to shimmer.

"It's starting!" Balefire exclaimed.

Suddenly a draconic form ripped through the row of trees. Fin Fang Foom leaped at Phill.

The moment before the Makluan reached Phill, the whole of existence collapsed in on itself. In the center of the empty void France reappeared.

"It's...It's done," Balefire said. "The universe has been destroyed...and I am now King of France! Now, my nameless team... destroy these heroes! ...and mimes!"



To Be Concluded.




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